I was originally thinking specifically about the “F” word today. It is not a word used often in my vocabulary but it is a word used in some homes, work or school. Just about everywhere you go someone uses it as part of everyday language. I started to wonder what it means and why is it a “bad” word. That led me to wondering why a lot of the words we are programmed to recognize as bad words are much different that other words. I decided to google the meaning of the “F” word. I found the literal meaning that describes sex and the other meaning and the way most people use the word is to get a point across. I took that more as the verbal way to say something that you would normally put an exclamation mark with when writing. I started to think about some of the other words like a*s or sh*t. Not that I think the word poop belongs in any sentence but if someone says that don’t think of it as them cussing. If someone says butt we don’t think twice. So why do we (including me) gasp when people say certain words? There are some phrases that I absolutely do not like and bother me far more than hearing someone say one of the words above. Again, I don’t plan on adding these to my vocabulary but I might think about them differently when I hear them.

Now let’s fast forward to my most recent struggles. Like all of us I get so much junk mail. It ends up piled on the table or counter because I struggle with whether I should recycle it the way it is or go through and open each piece and cross out my name. I am trying to do my part to recycle things and that gets me if I end up throwing something away that should be in the recycle.

Here is how it normally goes and this is the perfection piece. If I don’t have time or energy to do it the exact right way then it doesn’t get done at all. Living out of a laundry basket for some reason is so much easier than things getting folded wrong or not being done perfectly to a certain standard. I am to a place where if someone else folds something or throws a recycle into the trash I tell myself its okay and move on. I just can’t seem to tell myself that when trying to do these things. I looked up if a perfectionist can be disorganized and sure enough it was ME.. Perfectionism leads to procrastination and often paralysis- which are huge contributors to clutter and disorganization. I start in that cycle of procrastination until I have the time to do it like I want then I get paralyzed because I am overwhelmed with what needs done.

This year’s conference was not only amazing but eye opening in some places and a confirmation in other places. I often ask myself things like when is it my turn or why not me. Some days I am perfectly happy with what I have and other days I want more. One of the things I highlighted from Friday night was “Focus on what you have and not what you don’t have.” I have asked when do I (fill in the blanks) ________ more than once. When I look at it from a different perspective I see and remember that I HAVE so much more than what I don’t.

Another point I felt was what we need to STOP doing. Stop trying to make things happen in our own power. Stop trying to control things in our life and stop overthinking.

These are all things I am guilty of. I have recently tried to take control of a situation that I felt God wasn’t moving on fast enough and when I tried it turned into something toxic in the worst ways. I learned a long time ago his plans for me were so much better when he’s in the driver’s seat and not me. I tend to overthink things more when I am trying to control them. I know that when I stop going my way I don’t overthink as much and I don’t have the anxiety.

There were a couple of breakout sessions that were amazing. I wish I could have done them all. Pastor Kelly reminded us that going back into the wilderness brings strength. I can look back at some of my hardest times and know that they have made me a stronger person. Those times in the wilderness were some painful times and nobody honestly wants to invite those things. At the same time, I would not trade those hard times for anything. Those are the times I am the most grateful for.

One thing that stumped me is “figure out your identity.” That is something I will be working on figuring out. I don’t know what it is currently. Of course I am a mom, daughter, friend, employee and the list goes on but I don’t think those are “who I am.” I was made to be more.

Winning the private battles… We all have those private battles. I know I have some and I think I am going to make that list and start focusing on those one by one. Looking at them on paper each day and devoting time to be praying about those battles. I think this process will help figure out my identity. The other thing that will help is identifying what marked me and knowing those lies and labels are from the enemy. Through counseling I have identified a lot about what has made me who I was. All the battles that were hidden deep inside me. It’s time I speak those things out loud and take back the power and authority.

This conference and this group of women are so loving and supportive. I am so blessed to have people remind me of who I am and not who I am not. Women that have been in the same ugly trenches that I have been in and hold no judgement. Knowing their stories helps me see that no matter what the past the future can look very different. Know that just because I made bad choices does not make me a bad person. Don’t listen to those sitting in the cheap seats. I can either be in the wilderness 40 days or 40 years. The choice is mine.

A great friend told me this morning if I wasn’t there trying to help everyone with everything that I wouldn’t be me. Another great friend told me this morning that I must think about me and put me first. They are both right. Sometimes I just don’t know how to be me and take care of me at the same time.

Most know that my dad has been fighting a cancer battle. I am happy to report that currently he is on the winning side. Cancer is more than 50% smaller. He will have treatments for a while and monitored but currently he is doing better.

Just when we get everything with my dad going positive, I find out my ex-husband is in the hospital after having a major stroke and heart attack. I knew something wasn’t right with him, but it took me a lot of calls to finally find something out. I have heard from him, and he didn’t sound well. I don’t know if he will recover from this stroke. I really don’t know what his future is. I will say even though he and I never had a chance to be back together I do still care what happens to him. He has nobody and I would feel terrible if something happened to him and he was all alone.

I once told my ex-husband that what he likes about me is the same thing he hates. I think that is the way most people feel. Most people love that I am such a caring person with a huge heart that wants to fix everything for everyone. The opposite of that is cold and doesn’t care. The problem is I don’t know how to be in the middle. I tend to be either all in or all out.

I always say this Sunday the message at church was so perfect. This week was no exception. I have had so many emotions and feelings lately that it will take more than one post to explain. I will say that as alone as I might feel right now, I am realizing that everything on my heart and mind will be okay. It will all work out just how it’s supposed to.

What goes into coming up with a word of the year? How do you know what word is your word?

My goal is to really pray for this upcoming year and what a word for 2024 will be. There are so many things coming in this new season to bring inspiration. Some things will be quieting down while other things will be just picking up.

It has been a while since I have written anything. Summer has been a little extra busy and it is finally slowing down a little. I had it in my heart and mind to get back to writing and on my way home from such a great night I knew it was time. There is so much going on in this upcoming season of life and I am so excited to share.

I originally didn’t know if I was going to go to worship tonight out at Indian Creek. I didn’t have any plans to meet up with anyone. If you ever knew me before I was not someone who did anything by myself. My own insecurities held me back from living a life that allowed me to enjoy myself. Not only did I have a great time worshiping but hearing some great testimonies. Hearing how people were so broken and struggled with addictions and crimes and other kinds of issues and are where they are today reminded me exactly why I share my testimony and want to be there for others. I was reminded of my own story of when I was so broken and finally surrendered and told God my was wasn’t working and I was ready to try it his way.

The last thirteen years have been a lot of growth for me, but I would say in the last five years have been the most growth personally and most recently the last year spiritually. I look forward to more nights like tonight getting together and feeling the Holy Spirit working in and around me.

I used to be someone who struggled with forgiveness. I let resentment built up in my heart until God helped me with that. Recently after a series of things in my life have happened God has put on my heart to talk about specific topics. Topics that relate to all of us. In some ways it’s kind of funny he picked me because I was always the one who either didn’t show up on days that it was time to speak in front of the class or froze when I did. God has a way of knowing what we can handle even when we don’t and when he puts something on our heart, we just do it knowing he will see us through it. That is where trusting him comes into play. I have plans for that topic as well.

I chose forgiveness because this is something I know I have had to deal with both as the one who needs to forgive and be forgiven. Part of the past person I was had a hard time letting go of how others hurt me. Before I get into what God says about it, I want to talk about how it makes us feel as a person. We are filled with anger, bitterness and resentment towards people or a person and that eats away at our happiness. I was that person. As soon as I had God in my life it was like I was given a new heart. The anger and bitterness I felt was lifted. That might have almost been the easy part. There was still the part of telling those who had hurt me that I forgave them. I don’t know that God really requires us to do that part, but it sure does make us feel better when we do. It also shows how big of a step we’ve made in our journey. Is what God does expect of us is to forgive those who have sinned against us no matter how many times. Luke 17:4 Even if they sin against you seven times and come back saying “I Repent,” you must forgive them. The good news is that also means God is going to forgive us over and over even when we mess up. It also says in Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Now that sounds reasonable. I mean if we have been forgiven why wouldn’t we extend the same onto others? The big one that really stands out for me is Matthew 6:15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” I know that all of us here have the same goal of getting into Heaven and it’s more than just being a good person. It’s really the whole package. For me every time I see an article in the news about prisons or a crime someone committed and people making remarks about things, I can’t help wanting 0to educate them that the crime holds no different value that a lie or anything else in the eyes of God. It’s very clear that we need to forgive everyone and not judge anyone. Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and remember their sins no more. If you are someone who has been struggling with trying to forgive someone then I ask that you reach out and ask someone to try with you. Letting go of this will give you so much peace in your heart.

Pastor Jordan's Forgiveness Message

 https://youtu.be/_eYrVqMuMmU

I will say something made me want a party for my 50^th birthday and while it had a few bumps it was my best year. When I turned fifty it started off with a bang and has been such a great year. I started a new church last year and have become involved in different things and have gotten to know so many amazing people. I started a new job last year and work with people I couldn’t even imagine my life without. My walk with the Lord is better and stronger than ever.

My fifties came at the right time in my life. I would like to say had I known being fifty was going to be this amazing I would have skipped past the other years and went right to here. I don’t think I would have been ready to embrace this the way I have before the right time. I look back to even my birthday from when I turned from forty-nine to fifty and I didn’t have the same bounce in my step or high on life feeling. I hadn’t made so many of the other positive changes in my life. I was just barely getting moved and started at a new church around this time last year.

If fifty was this year I can’t wait to see what fifty-one is going to be like. One more year of amazing friendships, amazing job, personal growth and spiritual growth. I am already excited for the next 12 months and only wish I can fast forward so I can see what amazing things happened.

Music for me was something to listen to in the car and it wasn’t something that I had to have. I never related to those people who felt totally relaxed and soothed with music. I could relate to different songs, or I enjoyed songs for different reasons, but they didn’t touch my soul. I named my Christian playlist in my phone my favorite grounding music. I was laying here tonight listening to music and tapping to it just lost in the moment. I never felt that with any other music. Not only can I get lost in the music, but it’s also just as relatable as any other music. The biggest difference is it’s not relatable in a sad, negative, broken relationship kind of way. It’s relatable in the most positive and upbeat kind of way. It doesn’t bring out the depressing, angry, somebody has done me wrong feelings. I will always love me some George Straight, but I have been to more Christian concerts in 5 years then I have all together of other concerts in my entire life and would 100% be at a lot more if I could afford them. I am so grateful for the music and the message in them and how they have such a positive impact.

I was doing some reflecting on my way home today and thinking about last year. So many things have happened. The biggest ones are getting moved into my new place that I had wondered if it would ever happen. With the rising cost of rent and difficulty it is to afford a place on a single income I was afraid I was stuck where I was forever. I finally did get a better job and saw light at the end of that tunnel only to get Covid and had to use all my savings to pay bills while I was off work.

June of 2022 I finally moved into that long-awaited place. Soon after I got moved, I finally got plugged into an amazing church that was exactly what I needed. I didn’t waste any time getting involved in groups and finding a community that I had been longing for.

The blessings didn’t stop there! November of 2022, I started a new job with the most amazing people at a place I love going to every day. A place I miss when I am not there.

Over the last year there have been some setbacks as well, but every setback has put me in a position to move forward into an even better place. It is so easy to get hung up on the “why is this happening to me” when we should be embracing what is about to happen.

As I look at all the things, I celebrate right now I am fully aware of the storm I went through to get to each of these places. I look forward to my future and what is in store instead of dread it. I can’t wait to see what I get to celebrate this time next year.

When I was thinking about a title for this topic it was probably one of the hardest ones I’ve come up with. There are so many things I think of when I simply think of Church.

When I was a kid the only church, I knew was very large and everyone dressed up. I never saw my grandpa go to church in anything other than a suit and tie. Women wore dresses and plates were passed even though I didn’t know what that meant. As I grew up this was the only image of Church I had in my mind. I was not a dress person and everything about Church seemed very intimidating to me.

Fast forward to years later when I had my own kids and was clueless about anything Church related. I had this image from childhood of what kind of people went to Church and how they looked. In my mind none of those people were me. They didn’t dress like me or make the same bad decisions I had made over and over. I wasn’t sure what I did or didn’t believe but, believed I didn’t need to go to a church to be a Christian.

I eventually realized it was a lie… Everything I was telling myself about Church and the people who went to Church wasn’t even true. My kids kept telling me that I didn’t have to wear a dress and would ask me to come to Church. I eventually did go, and it was nothing like I remembered as a kid. Adults and kids would wear shorts in the summer or jeans. Some would dress up nicer, but those same people probably dressed nicely the rest of the week also. I realized that the people in the Church looked just like ME! As I talked with more people within the Church community over the years, I even learned that they are broken people just like ME. Some had battled some of the same things I have and some different. This idea people have that “church people” don’t understand is such a terrible misconception. One that I hope to break. We are people just like everyone else and have dysfunctional and broken stuff in our life just like everyone else. We just use different tools to fix it. People would be surprised if they only knew how many “church people” could relate to them.

So how did I beat my addiction to soda, smoking and drugs? Knowing the power of temptation and knowing how the enemy always tricks you into thinking you can handle just one time is a lot of how I did it. When I decided to give up drugs, I knew that my first rule was going to have to be not to associate with anyone who did those drugs. I knew that the power of temptation was much stronger than I was. It has been nearly 20 years and as well as I think I know the enemy’s tricks I also know I had an addiction to a very powerful drug. I am certain early in my sobriety that had I come in contact with that drug I probably would have caved to the temptation and lie. Changing my circle of people was the number one and most important thing.

When I quit smoking almost 20 years ago it was a little harder to not be around people who smoked. Most of my family did. My kids kept me very accountable. I was spending a lot of money and money helped motivate me into not starting it again. I did occasionally if I was with friends, but I knew the same thing with that addiction was true if I bought my own at any time early on in those years then all that hard work was for nothing.

I used to drink a lot of soda. Today if you ask even my granddaughter, she will answer that my favorite drink is water. It hasn’t always been that way. I changed from diet Pepsi to caffeine free before I quit. I have gone on and off it over the last many years, but its another thing that if I don’t buy it, I won’t drink it. It’s not always easy to resist it when it’s around me. Some people have never had that soda craving so they just never drink soda. Once you have had soda you do get a craving for it occasionally and I think we tell ourselves its okay because its soda verses smoking, alcohol or drugs. At the end of the day, it’s still a craving that we get once we’ve been addicted to it.

My simple rule is to avoid the things that might tempt me into indulging on something that is bad for me in any way. Is avoiding those people, things or situations a sure-fire way to stay away from the said addiction? Not at all. You must want to do it, but it sure ups your odds when its not right in front of you looking you in the face saying, “I dare you” or “just this once.”

I grew up with a Pastor for Grandfather, but even with that being said I lacked having love for God in my heart. I lacked even knowing God.

 I have lived a life where I trust nobody. Because of the relationships I have been in I have learned a long time ago that the only person I can trust to take care of my girls and myself is me. That is the way I have always been. Because of my weight I have been insecure and at one time even turned to drugs. For a short time that worked. At one point in time in my life I had smoked for many years. I was the kind of person that could be spiteful or vindictive if attacked in some sort of way. Some would get frustrated because I always felt the need to have the last word.

I hit rock bottom…

After having some family issues, I finally hit rock bottom and fell into the Lords hands. For the first time in my life, I trusted someone with everything. My emotions, my problems, my health, EVERYTHING. I can’t even really tell you what made me open the door. All I can say is when I let him into my heart everything instantly changed. I couldn’t contain the feelings I had inside me. It was like I was a new person. I often refer to the “old me” because I am always making decisions on how I think or act that are so different from before. There are things that were part of my life that I have now washed out of my life. I handle situations not how I used to handle them, but how God would want me to handle them. I don’t feel angry towards people the way I used to. I had so much anger and bitterness built up towards a family member that I wanted to cause that person physical pain and suffering.

No matter what relationship or drugs or anything else I have never felt a love or a high like I do now. My life may not be perfect right now, but I have the most peace and joy than I ever have. I have never been in love with anyone the way I am in love with God. I want to shout from the rooftops what opening my heart and trusting God has done for me. For me it took hitting rock bottom.

Fast forward 2023…..

I often look back and wonder how I ever got as far as I did without having God in my life. I was so unhappy and bitter. I had so much resentment built up towards people. The hurt and anger was eating me alive. I am so glad I don’t carry that weight on my shoulders anymore. Not that the last 13 years have been perfect or without mistakes because there have been plenty, but the positive I feel far outweigh the negative. I don’t discount my life lessons before a relationship with God in my life because I know that those things made me not only who I am but made me appreciate my life even more. I have a new view on things that happen and things that I do go through. Its not a ”why is this happening to me” but instead I have the faith and knowledge that as awful as it seems I will get through the other side with a valuable lesson.

Trying to know what your will or Gods will is sometimes can be a little hard. We find ourselves praying and asking God for things and if we should do this or that. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others what is clearly our will and what we are doing for our own reasons or wants. I remember the first time I asked the question of how I will know if its Gods will or my will. I was looking at houses to rent and there were a few different options. A very wise Pastor Sam’s told me that if you must manipulate things to make one happen then its your will. If it just happens with ease and flow like it was meant to be then it was Gods will. That advice was fourteen years ago, and it is something I have applied to everything I have done from small things to big things. I have said this to my children and shared this with so many others over many years. It really is my foundation in knowing when something doesn’t happen it only means something better is around the corner or I was protected from myself and what I thought I wanted.

I have always thought of myself as very much introverted until I would get to know you. I have stood behind that for years. My entire life is how I labeled myself. I just knew in my own mind that when I got to know people, I felt comfortable around them and some people I felt more comfortable around than others. There are some people that are always laughing at the off the wall things I say to make people laugh. Other people might not ever see that side of me. They get a more serious side of me. Recently I made a remark to two separate people about being an introvert. Both people have responded that they disagreed with that remark and one person just met me that same day. I was greeting people at church and she had observed that.

Those remarks made me start thinking about how I had been hiding behind the words introvert and I had given myself that label when deep down I was more of an extrovert than I knew. I have been letting my own insecurities stand in the way of being the person I have always been meant to be. Other people label us enough let’s not put ourselves in a box. Be the person God has intended you to be.

Testimony will be coming soon

The message that day was about pruning the dead or sick things in our lives that keep us from producing fruit just as we would a tree or a plant that has a dead or sick branch. I knew right then I was going to need some tissue. I had already started the pruning process in my life by clipping a few leaves and even cutting a branch. One thing Pastor Jordan did say is not to hack the tree down and I have been known to do that in the past. I did however realize that I still have some pruning to do.

Sometimes we have this beautiful plant or tree that just won’t bloom because of dead or sick branch that is taking its nutrients from it. I had make a remark to someone not all that long ago that not only was I thriving, but I was blossoming. We are all meant to blossom. At the first site of a tiny weed or sick leaf get to tending before your tree is damaged.