Random Thoughts with Tanya

I was originally thinking specifically about the “F” word today. It is not a word used often in my vocabulary but it is a word used in some homes, work or school. Just about everywhere you go someone uses it as part of everyday language. I started to wonder what it means and why is it a “bad” word. That led me to wondering why a lot of the words we are programmed to recognize as bad words are much different that other words. I decided to google the meaning of the “F” word. I found the literal meaning that describes sex and the other meaning and the way most people use the word is to get a point across. I took that more as the verbal way to say something that you would normally put an exclamation mark with when writing. I started to think about some of the other words like a*s or sh*t. Not that I think the word poop belongs in any sentence but if someone says that don’t think of it as them cussing. If someone says butt we don’t think twice. So why do we (including me) gasp when people say certain words? There are some phrases that I absolutely do not like and bother me far more than hearing someone say one of the words above. Again, I don’t plan on adding these to my vocabulary but I might think about them differently when I hear them.

Most who know me know that this is something I do well. I have done this for as long as I can remember. I could speculate on a few things that would have caused me to have this bad habit but that is for another day. I spend so much time overthinking some of the smallest things that I get stuck there. Years ago, I heard that is how perfectionists behave. It took me a while to think of myself that way, but knowing some of my other behaviors really does make sense. Like most of us we like our clothes hung up facing the same direction. It makes sense that way. When my kids were little, I hung clothes on the hangers and went to put them away before I had to rush out the door. I will never forget what happened once I realized they were on the hanger facing the wrong way. I didn’t have time to fix them all before I left so I faced the hangers all the wrong way. At the time it made perfect sense to me that turning the hangers backwards was a temporary solution. Looking back now I don’t know why the backwards hangers didn’t bother me as much as the clothes facing the wrong way seemed to. I am also that same one that likes things folded a certain way. Especially the towels. I was so bad that even as a young, single mom I would rather take on doing it myself rather than the kids helping me and doing it wrong. I was the person who undone the fold to make it “right.” Eventually I learned much later that any help is better than nothing at all. Even into my adult life I still struggle with some of the same issues. Dishes must be put away a certain way or I will redo them. I can’t just be happy with the fact they are put away. This is something I have worked on in counseling.

Now let’s fast forward to my most recent struggles. Like all of us I get so much junk mail. It ends up piled on the table or counter because I struggle with whether I should recycle it the way it is or go through and open each piece and cross out my name. I am trying to do my part to recycle things and that gets me if I end up throwing something away that should be in the recycle.

Here is how it normally goes and this is the perfection piece. If I don’t have time or energy to do it the exact right way then it doesn’t get done at all. Living out of a laundry basket for some reason is so much easier than things getting folded wrong or not being done perfectly to a certain standard. I am to a place where if someone else folds something or throws a recycle into the trash I tell myself its okay and move on. I just can’t seem to tell myself that when trying to do these things. I looked up if a perfectionist can be disorganized and sure enough it was ME.. Perfectionism leads to procrastination and often paralysis- which are huge contributors to clutter and disorganization. I start in that cycle of procrastination until I have the time to do it like I want then I get paralyzed because I am overwhelmed with what needs done.

This year’s conference was not only amazing but eye opening in some places and a confirmation in other places. I often ask myself things like when is it my turn or why not me. Some days I am perfectly happy with what I have and other days I want more. One of the things I highlighted from Friday night was “Focus on what you have and not what you don’t have.” I have asked when do I (fill in the blanks) ________ more than once. When I look at it from a different perspective I see and remember that I HAVE so much more than what I don’t.

Another point I felt was what we need to STOP doing. Stop trying to make things happen in our own power. Stop trying to control things in our life and stop overthinking.

These are all things I am guilty of. I have recently tried to take control of a situation that I felt God wasn’t moving on fast enough and when I tried it turned into something toxic in the worst ways. I learned a long time ago his plans for me were so much better when he’s in the driver’s seat and not me. I tend to overthink things more when I am trying to control them. I know that when I stop going my way I don’t overthink as much and I don’t have the anxiety.

There were a couple of breakout sessions that were amazing. I wish I could have done them all. Pastor Kelly reminded us that going back into the wilderness brings strength. I can look back at some of my hardest times and know that they have made me a stronger person. Those times in the wilderness were some painful times and nobody honestly wants to invite those things. At the same time, I would not trade those hard times for anything. Those are the times I am the most grateful for.

One thing that stumped me is “figure out your identity.” That is something I will be working on figuring out. I don’t know what it is currently. Of course I am a mom, daughter, friend, employee and the list goes on but I don’t think those are “who I am.” I was made to be more.

Winning the private battles… We all have those private battles. I know I have some and I think I am going to make that list and start focusing on those one by one. Looking at them on paper each day and devoting time to be praying about those battles. I think this process will help figure out my identity. The other thing that will help is identifying what marked me and knowing those lies and labels are from the enemy. Through counseling I have identified a lot about what has made me who I was. All the battles that were hidden deep inside me. It’s time I speak those things out loud and take back the power and authority.

This conference and this group of women are so loving and supportive. I am so blessed to have people remind me of who I am and not who I am not. Women that have been in the same ugly trenches that I have been in and hold no judgement. Knowing their stories helps me see that no matter what the past the future can look very different. Know that just because I made bad choices does not make me a bad person. Don’t listen to those sitting in the cheap seats. I can either be in the wilderness 40 days or 40 years. The choice is mine.