Random Thoughts with Tanya

I was originally thinking specifically about the “F” word today. It is not a word used often in my vocabulary but it is a word used in some homes, work or school. Just about everywhere you go someone uses it as part of everyday language. I started to wonder what it means and why is it a “bad” word. That led me to wondering why a lot of the words we are programmed to recognize as bad words are much different that other words. I decided to google the meaning of the “F” word. I found the literal meaning that describes sex and the other meaning and the way most people use the word is to get a point across. I took that more as the verbal way to say something that you would normally put an exclamation mark with when writing. I started to think about some of the other words like a*s or sh*t. Not that I think the word poop belongs in any sentence but if someone says that don’t think of it as them cussing. If someone says butt we don’t think twice. So why do we (including me) gasp when people say certain words? There are some phrases that I absolutely do not like and bother me far more than hearing someone say one of the words above. Again, I don’t plan on adding these to my vocabulary but I might think about them differently when I hear them.

Most who know me know that this is something I do well. I have done this for as long as I can remember. I could speculate on a few things that would have caused me to have this bad habit but that is for another day. I spend so much time overthinking some of the smallest things that I get stuck there. Years ago, I heard that is how perfectionists behave. It took me a while to think of myself that way, but knowing some of my other behaviors really does make sense. Like most of us we like our clothes hung up facing the same direction. It makes sense that way. When my kids were little, I hung clothes on the hangers and went to put them away before I had to rush out the door. I will never forget what happened once I realized they were on the hanger facing the wrong way. I didn’t have time to fix them all before I left so I faced the hangers all the wrong way. At the time it made perfect sense to me that turning the hangers backwards was a temporary solution. Looking back now I don’t know why the backwards hangers didn’t bother me as much as the clothes facing the wrong way seemed to. I am also that same one that likes things folded a certain way. Especially the towels. I was so bad that even as a young, single mom I would rather take on doing it myself rather than the kids helping me and doing it wrong. I was the person who undone the fold to make it “right.” Eventually I learned much later that any help is better than nothing at all. Even into my adult life I still struggle with some of the same issues. Dishes must be put away a certain way or I will redo them. I can’t just be happy with the fact they are put away. This is something I have worked on in counseling.

Now let’s fast forward to my most recent struggles. Like all of us I get so much junk mail. It ends up piled on the table or counter because I struggle with whether I should recycle it the way it is or go through and open each piece and cross out my name. I am trying to do my part to recycle things and that gets me if I end up throwing something away that should be in the recycle.

Here is how it normally goes and this is the perfection piece. If I don’t have time or energy to do it the exact right way then it doesn’t get done at all. Living out of a laundry basket for some reason is so much easier than things getting folded wrong or not being done perfectly to a certain standard. I am to a place where if someone else folds something or throws a recycle into the trash I tell myself its okay and move on. I just can’t seem to tell myself that when trying to do these things. I looked up if a perfectionist can be disorganized and sure enough it was ME.. Perfectionism leads to procrastination and often paralysis- which are huge contributors to clutter and disorganization. I start in that cycle of procrastination until I have the time to do it like I want then I get paralyzed because I am overwhelmed with what needs done.

This year’s conference was not only amazing but eye opening in some places and a confirmation in other places. I often ask myself things like when is it my turn or why not me. Some days I am perfectly happy with what I have and other days I want more. One of the things I highlighted from Friday night was “Focus on what you have and not what you don’t have.” I have asked when do I (fill in the blanks) ________ more than once. When I look at it from a different perspective I see and remember that I HAVE so much more than what I don’t.

Another point I felt was what we need to STOP doing. Stop trying to make things happen in our own power. Stop trying to control things in our life and stop overthinking.

These are all things I am guilty of. I have recently tried to take control of a situation that I felt God wasn’t moving on fast enough and when I tried it turned into something toxic in the worst ways. I learned a long time ago his plans for me were so much better when he’s in the driver’s seat and not me. I tend to overthink things more when I am trying to control them. I know that when I stop going my way I don’t overthink as much and I don’t have the anxiety.

There were a couple of breakout sessions that were amazing. I wish I could have done them all. Pastor Kelly reminded us that going back into the wilderness brings strength. I can look back at some of my hardest times and know that they have made me a stronger person. Those times in the wilderness were some painful times and nobody honestly wants to invite those things. At the same time, I would not trade those hard times for anything. Those are the times I am the most grateful for.

One thing that stumped me is “figure out your identity.” That is something I will be working on figuring out. I don’t know what it is currently. Of course I am a mom, daughter, friend, employee and the list goes on but I don’t think those are “who I am.” I was made to be more.

Winning the private battles… We all have those private battles. I know I have some and I think I am going to make that list and start focusing on those one by one. Looking at them on paper each day and devoting time to be praying about those battles. I think this process will help figure out my identity. The other thing that will help is identifying what marked me and knowing those lies and labels are from the enemy. Through counseling I have identified a lot about what has made me who I was. All the battles that were hidden deep inside me. It’s time I speak those things out loud and take back the power and authority.

This conference and this group of women are so loving and supportive. I am so blessed to have people remind me of who I am and not who I am not. Women that have been in the same ugly trenches that I have been in and hold no judgement. Knowing their stories helps me see that no matter what the past the future can look very different. Know that just because I made bad choices does not make me a bad person. Don’t listen to those sitting in the cheap seats. I can either be in the wilderness 40 days or 40 years. The choice is mine.

It’s been a while since I have posted anything. I could say it’s because I have been busy, but I haven’t really been so busy I didn’t have time for this. I have been meaning to write for a while. So much has been going on that I think I just wanted to stop everything.

A great friend told me this morning if I wasn’t there trying to help everyone with everything that I wouldn’t be me. Another great friend told me this morning that I must think about me and put me first. They are both right. Sometimes I just don’t know how to be me and take care of me at the same time.

Most know that my dad has been fighting a cancer battle. I am happy to report that currently he is on the winning side. Cancer is more than 50% smaller. He will have treatments for a while and monitored but currently he is doing better.

Just when we get everything with my dad going positive, I find out my ex-husband is in the hospital after having a major stroke and heart attack. I knew something wasn’t right with him, but it took me a lot of calls to finally find something out. I have heard from him, and he didn’t sound well. I don’t know if he will recover from this stroke. I really don’t know what his future is. I will say even though he and I never had a chance to be back together I do still care what happens to him. He has nobody and I would feel terrible if something happened to him and he was all alone.

I once told my ex-husband that what he likes about me is the same thing he hates. I think that is the way most people feel. Most people love that I am such a caring person with a huge heart that wants to fix everything for everyone. The opposite of that is cold and doesn’t care. The problem is I don’t know how to be in the middle. I tend to be either all in or all out.

I always say this Sunday the message at church was so perfect. This week was no exception. I have had so many emotions and feelings lately that it will take more than one post to explain. I will say that as alone as I might feel right now, I am realizing that everything on my heart and mind will be okay. It will all work out just how it’s supposed to.

I know a lot of people who start the year out with a new word. I was asked at the beginning of this year to think about what I wanted my word of the year to be. Several months later I still don’t have a word. I do have a motto that I try to live by and that is to be better today than I was yesterday. I am an over thinker and trying to think of one word is so difficult for me, but spending time reflecting on my own thoughts is something I do quite well. I tend to always try and look at what I did yesterday or today to make tomorrow different or better. It says in Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I would say for the most part I am very much at peace about what tomorrow brings, but the thinker in me wants to do better tomorrow and analyze my past so I can be better in the future.

What goes into coming up with a word of the year? How do you know what word is your word?

My goal is to really pray for this upcoming year and what a word for 2024 will be. There are so many things coming in this new season to bring inspiration. Some things will be quieting down while other things will be just picking up.

WORSHIP NIGHT AT INDIAN CREEK

It has been a while since I have written anything. Summer has been a little extra busy and it is finally slowing down a little. I had it in my heart and mind to get back to writing and on my way home from such a great night I knew it was time. There is so much going on in this upcoming season of life and I am so excited to share.

I originally didn’t know if I was going to go to worship tonight out at Indian Creek. I didn’t have any plans to meet up with anyone. If you ever knew me before I was not someone who did anything by myself. My own insecurities held me back from living a life that allowed me to enjoy myself. Not only did I have a great time worshiping but hearing some great testimonies. Hearing how people were so broken and struggled with addictions and crimes and other kinds of issues and are where they are today reminded me exactly why I share my testimony and want to be there for others. I was reminded of my own story of when I was so broken and finally surrendered and told God my was wasn’t working and I was ready to try it his way.

The last thirteen years have been a lot of growth for me, but I would say in the last five years have been the most growth personally and most recently the last year spiritually. I look forward to more nights like tonight getting together and feeling the Holy Spirit working in and around me.

I really haven’t said anything about this to anyone outside of my very small circle involved. I chose not to say anything about what I am working on in my life because it’s not about me. Tonight, I was working on some homework for my mentoring course I am going through. It’s a very in-depth book with a very small group of women. I don’t see myself as a teacher in any way. I see myself as someone who has had a lot of life experiences that make me relatable to so many people. At the very end of the chapter, I was working in it said, “Why Do I Teach?” I heard that word and thought about that question and my first thought immediately was because if it wasn’t for the Grace of God, it could have been me in almost any fill in the blank situation someone else has. I could give an endless list of dead-end darkness and destruction I have been on in my life. I have not only hurt myself, but I have hurt others. I have grown so much from that day I walked into a tiny church and asked for help. I have been loved and mentored along the way, but it was Gods Grace that saved me from so many things. If his Grace can save me then it can save anyone else. Truth be told his Grace still saves me every day. Thankfully he doesn’t have to pull me out of the same places he did before, but it’s nice knowing that there is someone out there that would be willing to pull you from the pits of hell if all you do is extend your hand.

This last weekend Pastor Jordan spoke an amazing message on forgiveness that everyone could probably use. Like he said we all needed to forgive as well as be forgiven. None of us are perfect people with no mistakes. It makes me think about something I wrote a few years ago on forgiveness. What I wrote is in no comparison to what Pastor Jordan spoke. I think there were a few things on point, but he went deeper and was way funnier. I will post at the bottom the link to watch him. It really is a must watch for everyone.

I used to be someone who struggled with forgiveness. I let resentment built up in my heart until God helped me with that. Recently after a series of things in my life have happened God has put on my heart to talk about specific topics. Topics that relate to all of us. In some ways it’s kind of funny he picked me because I was always the one who either didn’t show up on days that it was time to speak in front of the class or froze when I did. God has a way of knowing what we can handle even when we don’t and when he puts something on our heart, we just do it knowing he will see us through it. That is where trusting him comes into play. I have plans for that topic as well.

I chose forgiveness because this is something I know I have had to deal with both as the one who needs to forgive and be forgiven. Part of the past person I was had a hard time letting go of how others hurt me. Before I get into what God says about it, I want to talk about how it makes us feel as a person. We are filled with anger, bitterness and resentment towards people or a person and that eats away at our happiness. I was that person. As soon as I had God in my life it was like I was given a new heart. The anger and bitterness I felt was lifted. That might have almost been the easy part. There was still the part of telling those who had hurt me that I forgave them. I don’t know that God really requires us to do that part, but it sure does make us feel better when we do. It also shows how big of a step we’ve made in our journey. Is what God does expect of us is to forgive those who have sinned against us no matter how many times. Luke 17:4 Even if they sin against you seven times and come back saying “I Repent,” you must forgive them. The good news is that also means God is going to forgive us over and over even when we mess up. It also says in Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Now that sounds reasonable. I mean if we have been forgiven why wouldn’t we extend the same onto others? The big one that really stands out for me is Matthew 6:15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” I know that all of us here have the same goal of getting into Heaven and it’s more than just being a good person. It’s really the whole package. For me every time I see an article in the news about prisons or a crime someone committed and people making remarks about things, I can’t help wanting 0to educate them that the crime holds no different value that a lie or anything else in the eyes of God. It’s very clear that we need to forgive everyone and not judge anyone. Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and remember their sins no more. If you are someone who has been struggling with trying to forgive someone then I ask that you reach out and ask someone to try with you. Letting go of this will give you so much peace in your heart.

Pastor Jordan's Forgiveness Message

 https://youtu.be/_eYrVqMuMmU

Before I turned fifty last year, I had no idea what to expect. I remember my last birthday in my twenties was the worst one for me and I cried. I was not looking forward to leaving my twenties and going into my thirties. After that they were just another day and another year older. I don’t even remember my 40^th birthday.

I will say something made me want a party for my 50^th birthday and while it had a few bumps it was my best year. When I turned fifty it started off with a bang and has been such a great year. I started a new church last year and have become involved in different things and have gotten to know so many amazing people. I started a new job last year and work with people I couldn’t even imagine my life without. My walk with the Lord is better and stronger than ever.

My fifties came at the right time in my life. I would like to say had I known being fifty was going to be this amazing I would have skipped past the other years and went right to here. I don’t think I would have been ready to embrace this the way I have before the right time. I look back to even my birthday from when I turned from forty-nine to fifty and I didn’t have the same bounce in my step or high on life feeling. I hadn’t made so many of the other positive changes in my life. I was just barely getting moved and started at a new church around this time last year.

If fifty was this year I can’t wait to see what fifty-one is going to be like. One more year of amazing friendships, amazing job, personal growth and spiritual growth. I am already excited for the next 12 months and only wish I can fast forward so I can see what amazing things happened.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what music means to me these days. There was a time in my life that I listened to mostly Country music with a little bit of variety added into my mix. The majority was Country. Sometime between 2010-2012 when I was introduced into Christian music, I started having a few favorites and slowly built my playlist until I was close to split on Country and Christian music. Even being split up on my playlist I still listened to Country radio stations. I am not sure why I gave up Country music stations, but it changed my soul.

Music for me was something to listen to in the car and it wasn’t something that I had to have. I never related to those people who felt totally relaxed and soothed with music. I could relate to different songs, or I enjoyed songs for different reasons, but they didn’t touch my soul. I named my Christian playlist in my phone my favorite grounding music. I was laying here tonight listening to music and tapping to it just lost in the moment. I never felt that with any other music. Not only can I get lost in the music, but it’s also just as relatable as any other music. The biggest difference is it’s not relatable in a sad, negative, broken relationship kind of way. It’s relatable in the most positive and upbeat kind of way. It doesn’t bring out the depressing, angry, somebody has done me wrong feelings. I will always love me some George Straight, but I have been to more Christian concerts in 5 years then I have all together of other concerts in my entire life and would 100% be at a lot more if I could afford them. I am so grateful for the music and the message in them and how they have such a positive impact.