Random Thoughts with Tanya

I have battled a few addictions over the years, and I have often said that an addiction is an addiction no matter what it is. In a lot of ways, I feel that is true. Some are a little harder than others the way they have a hold on you, but in the end it’s a hard struggle no matter what the addiction. The person who struggles giving up the one thing they are addicted to can’t fault someone else who has an addiction to something else just because maybe that addiction is worse for you. We all know being addiction to soda verses meth are two different things and obviously the drug is much worse for you then the soda. It doesn’t mean the person giving up the soda doesn’t have the same struggles.

So how did I beat my addiction to soda, smoking and drugs? Knowing the power of temptation and knowing how the enemy always tricks you into thinking you can handle just one time is a lot of how I did it. When I decided to give up drugs, I knew that my first rule was going to have to be not to associate with anyone who did those drugs. I knew that the power of temptation was much stronger than I was. It has been nearly 20 years and as well as I think I know the enemy’s tricks I also know I had an addiction to a very powerful drug. I am certain early in my sobriety that had I come in contact with that drug I probably would have caved to the temptation and lie. Changing my circle of people was the number one and most important thing.

When I quit smoking almost 20 years ago it was a little harder to not be around people who smoked. Most of my family did. My kids kept me very accountable. I was spending a lot of money and money helped motivate me into not starting it again. I did occasionally if I was with friends, but I knew the same thing with that addiction was true if I bought my own at any time early on in those years then all that hard work was for nothing.

I used to drink a lot of soda. Today if you ask even my granddaughter, she will answer that my favorite drink is water. It hasn’t always been that way. I changed from diet Pepsi to caffeine free before I quit. I have gone on and off it over the last many years, but its another thing that if I don’t buy it, I won’t drink it. It’s not always easy to resist it when it’s around me. Some people have never had that soda craving so they just never drink soda. Once you have had soda you do get a craving for it occasionally and I think we tell ourselves its okay because its soda verses smoking, alcohol or drugs. At the end of the day, it’s still a craving that we get once we’ve been addicted to it.

My simple rule is to avoid the things that might tempt me into indulging on something that is bad for me in any way. Is avoiding those people, things or situations a sure-fire way to stay away from the said addiction? Not at all. You must want to do it, but it sure ups your odds when its not right in front of you looking you in the face saying, “I dare you” or “just this once.”

Here is my testimony….. (2010)

I grew up with a Pastor for Grandfather, but even with that being said I lacked having love for God in my heart. I lacked even knowing God.

 I have lived a life where I trust nobody. Because of the relationships I have been in I have learned a long time ago that the only person I can trust to take care of my girls and myself is me. That is the way I have always been. Because of my weight I have been insecure and at one time even turned to drugs. For a short time that worked. At one point in time in my life I had smoked for many years. I was the kind of person that could be spiteful or vindictive if attacked in some sort of way. Some would get frustrated because I always felt the need to have the last word.

I hit rock bottom…

After having some family issues, I finally hit rock bottom and fell into the Lords hands. For the first time in my life, I trusted someone with everything. My emotions, my problems, my health, EVERYTHING. I can’t even really tell you what made me open the door. All I can say is when I let him into my heart everything instantly changed. I couldn’t contain the feelings I had inside me. It was like I was a new person. I often refer to the “old me” because I am always making decisions on how I think or act that are so different from before. There are things that were part of my life that I have now washed out of my life. I handle situations not how I used to handle them, but how God would want me to handle them. I don’t feel angry towards people the way I used to. I had so much anger and bitterness built up towards a family member that I wanted to cause that person physical pain and suffering.

No matter what relationship or drugs or anything else I have never felt a love or a high like I do now. My life may not be perfect right now, but I have the most peace and joy than I ever have. I have never been in love with anyone the way I am in love with God. I want to shout from the rooftops what opening my heart and trusting God has done for me. For me it took hitting rock bottom.

Fast forward 2023…..

I often look back and wonder how I ever got as far as I did without having God in my life. I was so unhappy and bitter. I had so much resentment built up towards people. The hurt and anger was eating me alive. I am so glad I don’t carry that weight on my shoulders anymore. Not that the last 13 years have been perfect or without mistakes because there have been plenty, but the positive I feel far outweigh the negative. I don’t discount my life lessons before a relationship with God in my life because I know that those things made me not only who I am but made me appreciate my life even more. I have a new view on things that happen and things that I do go through. Its not a ”why is this happening to me” but instead I have the faith and knowledge that as awful as it seems I will get through the other side with a valuable lesson.

Trying to know what your will or Gods will is sometimes can be a little hard. We find ourselves praying and asking God for things and if we should do this or that. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others what is clearly our will and what we are doing for our own reasons or wants. I remember the first time I asked the question of how I will know if its Gods will or my will. I was looking at houses to rent and there were a few different options. A very wise Pastor Sam’s told me that if you must manipulate things to make one happen then its your will. If it just happens with ease and flow like it was meant to be then it was Gods will. That advice was fourteen years ago, and it is something I have applied to everything I have done from small things to big things. I have said this to my children and shared this with so many others over many years. It really is my foundation in knowing when something doesn’t happen it only means something better is around the corner or I was protected from myself and what I thought I wanted.