Random Thoughts with Tanya

I was doing some reflecting on my way home today and thinking about last year. So many things have happened. The biggest ones are getting moved into my new place that I had wondered if it would ever happen. With the rising cost of rent and difficulty it is to afford a place on a single income I was afraid I was stuck where I was forever. I finally did get a better job and saw light at the end of that tunnel only to get Covid and had to use all my savings to pay bills while I was off work.

June of 2022 I finally moved into that long-awaited place. Soon after I got moved, I finally got plugged into an amazing church that was exactly what I needed. I didn’t waste any time getting involved in groups and finding a community that I had been longing for.

The blessings didn’t stop there! November of 2022, I started a new job with the most amazing people at a place I love going to every day. A place I miss when I am not there.

Over the last year there have been some setbacks as well, but every setback has put me in a position to move forward into an even better place. It is so easy to get hung up on the “why is this happening to me” when we should be embracing what is about to happen.

As I look at all the things, I celebrate right now I am fully aware of the storm I went through to get to each of these places. I look forward to my future and what is in store instead of dread it. I can’t wait to see what I get to celebrate this time next year.

Church……..

When I was thinking about a title for this topic it was probably one of the hardest ones I’ve come up with. There are so many things I think of when I simply think of Church.

When I was a kid the only church, I knew was very large and everyone dressed up. I never saw my grandpa go to church in anything other than a suit and tie. Women wore dresses and plates were passed even though I didn’t know what that meant. As I grew up this was the only image of Church I had in my mind. I was not a dress person and everything about Church seemed very intimidating to me.

Fast forward to years later when I had my own kids and was clueless about anything Church related. I had this image from childhood of what kind of people went to Church and how they looked. In my mind none of those people were me. They didn’t dress like me or make the same bad decisions I had made over and over. I wasn’t sure what I did or didn’t believe but, believed I didn’t need to go to a church to be a Christian.

I eventually realized it was a lie… Everything I was telling myself about Church and the people who went to Church wasn’t even true. My kids kept telling me that I didn’t have to wear a dress and would ask me to come to Church. I eventually did go, and it was nothing like I remembered as a kid. Adults and kids would wear shorts in the summer or jeans. Some would dress up nicer, but those same people probably dressed nicely the rest of the week also. I realized that the people in the Church looked just like ME! As I talked with more people within the Church community over the years, I even learned that they are broken people just like ME. Some had battled some of the same things I have and some different. This idea people have that “church people” don’t understand is such a terrible misconception. One that I hope to break. We are people just like everyone else and have dysfunctional and broken stuff in our life just like everyone else. We just use different tools to fix it. People would be surprised if they only knew how many “church people” could relate to them.

I have battled a few addictions over the years, and I have often said that an addiction is an addiction no matter what it is. In a lot of ways, I feel that is true. Some are a little harder than others the way they have a hold on you, but in the end it’s a hard struggle no matter what the addiction. The person who struggles giving up the one thing they are addicted to can’t fault someone else who has an addiction to something else just because maybe that addiction is worse for you. We all know being addiction to soda verses meth are two different things and obviously the drug is much worse for you then the soda. It doesn’t mean the person giving up the soda doesn’t have the same struggles.

So how did I beat my addiction to soda, smoking and drugs? Knowing the power of temptation and knowing how the enemy always tricks you into thinking you can handle just one time is a lot of how I did it. When I decided to give up drugs, I knew that my first rule was going to have to be not to associate with anyone who did those drugs. I knew that the power of temptation was much stronger than I was. It has been nearly 20 years and as well as I think I know the enemy’s tricks I also know I had an addiction to a very powerful drug. I am certain early in my sobriety that had I come in contact with that drug I probably would have caved to the temptation and lie. Changing my circle of people was the number one and most important thing.

When I quit smoking almost 20 years ago it was a little harder to not be around people who smoked. Most of my family did. My kids kept me very accountable. I was spending a lot of money and money helped motivate me into not starting it again. I did occasionally if I was with friends, but I knew the same thing with that addiction was true if I bought my own at any time early on in those years then all that hard work was for nothing.

I used to drink a lot of soda. Today if you ask even my granddaughter, she will answer that my favorite drink is water. It hasn’t always been that way. I changed from diet Pepsi to caffeine free before I quit. I have gone on and off it over the last many years, but its another thing that if I don’t buy it, I won’t drink it. It’s not always easy to resist it when it’s around me. Some people have never had that soda craving so they just never drink soda. Once you have had soda you do get a craving for it occasionally and I think we tell ourselves its okay because its soda verses smoking, alcohol or drugs. At the end of the day, it’s still a craving that we get once we’ve been addicted to it.

My simple rule is to avoid the things that might tempt me into indulging on something that is bad for me in any way. Is avoiding those people, things or situations a sure-fire way to stay away from the said addiction? Not at all. You must want to do it, but it sure ups your odds when its not right in front of you looking you in the face saying, “I dare you” or “just this once.”

Here is my testimony….. (2010)

I grew up with a Pastor for Grandfather, but even with that being said I lacked having love for God in my heart. I lacked even knowing God.

 I have lived a life where I trust nobody. Because of the relationships I have been in I have learned a long time ago that the only person I can trust to take care of my girls and myself is me. That is the way I have always been. Because of my weight I have been insecure and at one time even turned to drugs. For a short time that worked. At one point in time in my life I had smoked for many years. I was the kind of person that could be spiteful or vindictive if attacked in some sort of way. Some would get frustrated because I always felt the need to have the last word.

I hit rock bottom…

After having some family issues, I finally hit rock bottom and fell into the Lords hands. For the first time in my life, I trusted someone with everything. My emotions, my problems, my health, EVERYTHING. I can’t even really tell you what made me open the door. All I can say is when I let him into my heart everything instantly changed. I couldn’t contain the feelings I had inside me. It was like I was a new person. I often refer to the “old me” because I am always making decisions on how I think or act that are so different from before. There are things that were part of my life that I have now washed out of my life. I handle situations not how I used to handle them, but how God would want me to handle them. I don’t feel angry towards people the way I used to. I had so much anger and bitterness built up towards a family member that I wanted to cause that person physical pain and suffering.

No matter what relationship or drugs or anything else I have never felt a love or a high like I do now. My life may not be perfect right now, but I have the most peace and joy than I ever have. I have never been in love with anyone the way I am in love with God. I want to shout from the rooftops what opening my heart and trusting God has done for me. For me it took hitting rock bottom.

Fast forward 2023…..

I often look back and wonder how I ever got as far as I did without having God in my life. I was so unhappy and bitter. I had so much resentment built up towards people. The hurt and anger was eating me alive. I am so glad I don’t carry that weight on my shoulders anymore. Not that the last 13 years have been perfect or without mistakes because there have been plenty, but the positive I feel far outweigh the negative. I don’t discount my life lessons before a relationship with God in my life because I know that those things made me not only who I am but made me appreciate my life even more. I have a new view on things that happen and things that I do go through. Its not a ”why is this happening to me” but instead I have the faith and knowledge that as awful as it seems I will get through the other side with a valuable lesson.

Trying to know what your will or Gods will is sometimes can be a little hard. We find ourselves praying and asking God for things and if we should do this or that. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others what is clearly our will and what we are doing for our own reasons or wants. I remember the first time I asked the question of how I will know if its Gods will or my will. I was looking at houses to rent and there were a few different options. A very wise Pastor Sam’s told me that if you must manipulate things to make one happen then its your will. If it just happens with ease and flow like it was meant to be then it was Gods will. That advice was fourteen years ago, and it is something I have applied to everything I have done from small things to big things. I have said this to my children and shared this with so many others over many years. It really is my foundation in knowing when something doesn’t happen it only means something better is around the corner or I was protected from myself and what I thought I wanted.

I have always thought of myself as very much introverted until I would get to know you. I have stood behind that for years. My entire life is how I labeled myself. I just knew in my own mind that when I got to know people, I felt comfortable around them and some people I felt more comfortable around than others. There are some people that are always laughing at the off the wall things I say to make people laugh. Other people might not ever see that side of me. They get a more serious side of me. Recently I made a remark to two separate people about being an introvert. Both people have responded that they disagreed with that remark and one person just met me that same day. I was greeting people at church and she had observed that.

Those remarks made me start thinking about how I had been hiding behind the words introvert and I had given myself that label when deep down I was more of an extrovert than I knew. I have been letting my own insecurities stand in the way of being the person I have always been meant to be. Other people label us enough let’s not put ourselves in a box. Be the person God has intended you to be.

I have known for a while that I wanted to share my testimony. April marks 13 years when I went to the small little Nazarene Church on Euclid and said I have lived all my life doing it the wrong way and now I am ready to try something different. I have stumbled along the way but like any relationship the more work you put into it the better it gets. I am a different person today than I was 13 years ago and even different that I was 3 or 6 months ago. I always say my goal is to be better tomorrow than I was today. Learn from my mistakes and grow from them. I have honestly taken away so much from my mistakes and as much heartache as I have been through, I don’t know that I would change it. Not if it means I didn’t learn what I did. I would only wish others didn’t have to feel the pain for me to get where I got. At the end of the day, I am proud of where I was and where I am now because I know it’s a completely different person. Reminds me of a person I had looked up too and I know he would be proud. I love you Grandpa!

Testimony will be coming soon

I have been sitting on my thoughts for a couple of days trying to decide how I wanted to write this. Sunday morning was like any other morning where I pray about what is on my mind and ask God to give me the answers I need. Little did I know I know he was going to deliver them that day via Pastor Jordan.

The message that day was about pruning the dead or sick things in our lives that keep us from producing fruit just as we would a tree or a plant that has a dead or sick branch. I knew right then I was going to need some tissue. I had already started the pruning process in my life by clipping a few leaves and even cutting a branch. One thing Pastor Jordan did say is not to hack the tree down and I have been known to do that in the past. I did however realize that I still have some pruning to do.

Sometimes we have this beautiful plant or tree that just won’t bloom because of dead or sick branch that is taking its nutrients from it. I had make a remark to someone not all that long ago that not only was I thriving, but I was blossoming. We are all meant to blossom. At the first site of a tiny weed or sick leaf get to tending before your tree is damaged.

Today has been a long time coming. I have been waiting for this day for a while now. I have been asked over and over if I journal and the answer is that I do not. There is something about writing in a book to myself that does not feel satisfying to me. I don't feel the release that people who journal get by journaling. I love a deep conversation with people and having those thoughts only to close the book makes be feel like my thoughts are still trapped in my head. I decided that if I could blog I would be able to have the best of both worlds. I could have express those deep conversations I long to have as well journal at the same time. My readers can decide what might be helpful to them and its a win for everyone wins. My blog topics will be on a variety of things.